Diary of a New Life: Day #5

Today I managed new things. Just little things mind you, but things that remind me that I am "still in there" somewhere.

The real Jane doesn't normally spend days wandering around wailing, or wringing her hands, or not eating. You see, there's the perfect example of how unlike myself I have been. I love eating. Mind you, despite people's protests at how important it is at the moment that I must manage a square meal, I have been absolutely unable to swallow properly.  

But today something changed a little. Today I laughed.

Not just chortles, or weak guffaws; proper belly laughs. The kind where I had tears streaming down my face. It felt really, really good.

I patted myself on the back, because today I had to do another task that I was absolutely dreading. I had to go to the local commune (rather like the town council) to get de-registered. That means that I give up my residency permit. Or rather, I don't give it up, they stamp it and hand it back to me with the words that feel as though they roughly translate as "GET THE FUCK OUT, YOU LOSER."

I am a little sensitive.

Up until that point in the day, I had been managing rather well. Laughs, civil conversations with him, lots of necessary and useful arrangements had been made. I had lunch with a very good friend who I hadn't seen in ages. She took the afternoon off work and, to be honest, I just don't know what I would have done without her.

We talked, plotted, cried and laughed about silver linings on clouds, relationships, cars, sex, revenge, heartbreak, children, England, horses (?) and magical energy.

We talked about the positives about me moving back to England and being newly single. Since our conversation, I have thought about this a little more. The good points include (I urge you to keep an open mind at this point):

  • I can eat Salt & Vinegar crisps (proper ones, not pretend ones) whenever I like.
  • I don't have to tidy up after another adult.
  • I can sit in the pub for as long as I want (or as long as the money lasts) without worrying about when *someone wants to go home*.
  • I can have sex with who I want (with their consent, of course).
  • I can eat Pot Noodles for breakfast.
  • I can try lesbianism.
  • I can love Apple products again and even mention the iPad without getting lynched.
  • I can do what the fuck I want.

Laughing aside, it was a lunch I will remember forever. Mainly because I shared it with someone so special, but also because it was my first lunch as a "single woman" again.

My friend took a picture of me. When I saw the picture it dawned on me…

single

I already feel different.

After lunch, we headed to the commune. We were laughing so hard and being so silly at that point, that even when I handed over our permits, I felt fine.

It was only when my permit was handed back to me, tucked into my passport, and I saw little smudgy purple letters across it, that I buckled.

Go directly to where you came from, do not pass go, do not collect anything except your suitcase.

It's strange. All week I have been making calls, making arrangements, making a life. But I suppose that there has been a part of me all along that is in denial.

I felt that rubber stamp like a knife through my heart.

My friend comforted me in a brilliant way, however. She bought me some Euro Millions lottery tickets and some scratch cards and took me to sit beside the lake so that we could see if we had any winnings.

lottery

I won two francs!

She took photos of me laughing my face off at this stroke of luck, determined to document such a traumatic, crazy time in life, so that I could look back and laugh at it all when I find some happiness, some peace.

I have been asking myself in the last few days: What do I want? What will make me happy now? When will I feel at peace?

The truth is, I cannot actually have what I want. I am being forced to change my hopes and dreams, or at least downsize them.

My new dream, my hope for our future, the light at the end of this tunnel, is this:

My daughter is suffering right now. She is crying a lot, doesn't like being left, is afraid of the dark. She is confused. Scared. The only thing I can do is promise her that I will do my best by her, that I will never leave.

And I can promise her a pink bedroom, all of her own.

All I want is to make it one piece, to make it to a time when I lift up a paintbrush from a pot, smell the fresh, slightly eye-watering, chemical smell and paint a dull, bare wall the most ridiculously vibrant shade of fushcia.

That is when I know we are home.

That we made it.

I know that we can do this now.  Earlier, as I laughed at my two francs winnings, I could suddenly feel something familiar, I could feel a little internal spark once more.

The essence of me is still there. And my luck is already changing.

permit

9 thoughts on “Diary of a New Life: Day #5

  1. jane , not entirely sure you can “try” lesbianism. i rather think you either are or aren’t . you most certainly can try same sex ,sex , no, i’m not trying to give you permission !any way glad to “hear” you sounding so much more positive .

  2. I sympathise; have been to the Gemeinde/commune, I know what it’s like. And you always have to pay in Switzerland. And I’ve been to the Fremdenpolezei who treat you like shit, and the Grenzesanitaet, who think you come from the third world, and therefore must have TB. And you have to pay.

    Keep spirits up; bon voyage!

  3. Fully agree with all your positives, except the pot noodles for breakfast. But if it’s what you want, do what the fuck you want.

    It must be very hard being brave and positive for your daughter when everything is in turmoil. I love the way you’re already painting a picture of your future.

    I hope it’s as pink as can be.

  4. Congratulation Janey. You have won a new life now get the hell out of there and live it. You mega woman you. . Safe journey and stay in touch. Birdie x x

  5. As hard as this new adventure begins in your life, I am scared and nervous for you – but also really excited!

    I am proud of everything that you have accomplished and look forward to seeing great things from you my dear.

    Best of luck and keep smiling.

    I love you!

    Rochelle x

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