Diary of a New Life: Day #3

Today I awoke to that now-familiar sick feeling in my stomach.

But I could breathe. It's a start…

The first heartbreaking task of the day today, one which I had asked him to do, but he declined, was to tell Skye's crèche that she will be leaving on Friday. I knew it was going to tear me to pieces, but I just stealed myself to do it this morning.

It was utter hell. Trying to explain things in French, then bursting into tears. All the other mums crowded around me consoling me. I daresay if ever they get wind of his whereabouts they might be after him with stale french sticks in their hands and violence on their minds.

The second task of the day, not heart-breaking, just stressful, was to call my UK bank because I had lost my bank card. I opened my purse this morning to pay for my flights and it wasn't there. Cue the retracing of steps, endless calls to the various places I had been, all of which amounted to nothing. One hour and seven different departments later (including the re-telling of my sorrowful tale seven times over, and with it bursting into tears seven times), I had arranged for emergency cash to be wired to my Swiss account and for a new bank card to be waiting for me in the UK next week. For the bargain price of £30 (£30 which I don't have).

It was only twenty minutes ago, however, whilst on the phone to my sister and whilst the kids were running riot, my daughter came up to me shouting, "Here Mummy, here it is!" She had hidden it, and no doubt in the stressed out frame of mind she is in, had forgotten where she'd put it. I can't go back and resurrect the card, the bank has already put a stop on it.

Just waiting for the locusts now…

What has amazed me in a more positive way in the last few days, however, when I could be losing my faith in the whole of humanity, is the overwhelming generosity of the human spirit. I am not going to name names, you know who you are:

The crèche are cancelling their original arrangements for Friday's session and will be holding a little leaving party for Skye.

I have had offers of money and shelter from people I have never even met.

A friend in the UK is dropping everything to fly over on Saturday, JUST to hold my hand and help with the kids on the journey home. (Yes, home. I have started to refer to this place at the apartment and my destination as home. It's the only way.)

Another friend is collecting us from the airport and driving us to her place, to warmth, comfort and SAFETY. Don't get me wrong, we are not in any danger here, at least not physically. But having the ground pulled out from under us like this is very emotionally unstabling. I can't wait to feel on semi-solid ground again.

In fact, there seems to be some kind of Emergency Response Team in operation, who are solely concerned for the welfare of my kids and even for me.

Again, today there are many jumbled thoughts. I find it utterly bizarre that only on Saturday I published a poem on my blog about a homeless woman. At the end of the poem I thanked my lucky stars for being loved and having shelter and comfort in my life. It was then, that same Saturday evening, when he told me it was over. No, I am not losing the love I had (at least not from the majority of people in my life), but I am losing my home, somewhere I have spent the last couple of years building up.

In fact, there are so many pieces of writing that I have done recently which held a kind of prediction within them, which appear now to be having some kind of significance. It is uncanny.

But I cannot be too analytical. I must be practical. I have to make things happen.

But if, out of all of this mess, I was allowed one wish, if indeed the stars are willing to line up the right way for me, at least for a few minutes, then this is what I would wish for:

When the lovely people at the Housing Department eventually come up with a place for us to live, I just dearly want it to be a place that I can smile at and feel relief when I see it. I don't need a palace, I don't need mod-cons. I just want somewhere in my hometown that is light, clean, not falling-apart…..OURS. Somewhere that I feel I can settle down in and make into a really happy home for the kids. If anyone reading this feels they can help me manifest this, please do try!

I can't help but feel that this whole thing is happening for a reason, and I feel it is all about being self-sufficient. I want to earn my own money and not be on handouts for long, but for the first six months I will concentrate my energies on giving my children as much attention and love as possible. I'll be honest, they are incredibly distressed right now. Lots of tears, tantrums, clingyness. I am just about dealing with it all, but I am obviously depleted of my energy.

But I will manage this!

11 thoughts on “Diary of a New Life: Day #3

  1. This is the very same song I played when my ex husband and I split up. It put me into my own shoes 16 years ago and brought back the pain of how you must be feeling now. In my thoughts big time Janey. Xxxx

  2. Still thinking of you. Even though we didn’t get to know each other very well, I think you’re smart, courageous and strong. Life has thrown a lot of wrenches your way and I think you have persevered through everything. You will make it through this. Take advantage of offers of help, lean on your friend’s shoulders and keep looking up. Sending positive vibes your way.

  3. Hi Jane,

    I’m sorry to hear about your breakup. I just want to let you know I’m thinking of you. Stay strong.

    “Life isn’t finding shelter in the storm. It’s about learning to dance in the rain. Sherrilyn Kenyon”

    I always think of that quote when I’m struggling 🙂

  4. Keep your eye on the horizon & you will get through this. You will not feel this way in a year’s time. I feel absolutely terrible for you. On a practical note, why do you have to leave your home & uproot your kids (his kids too?)?! Are you sure you aren’t acting too hastily. Why not chuck him out/make him support the family he chose to have?

  5. Keep going Jane, you’re nearly home. If it helps my kids were about the same ages as your two when we went through a similar upheaval. They were a bit confused and stressed out at the time too, but we got through it and now they don’t really remember that time. They DO remember that it was always the three of us and that I was always there for them. That’s all that matters and that’s what you’re doing now.
    You’ve got so many people rooting for you, me, as ever, included. xxxxxxx

  6. Aww janey jane that is a wise song indeed, brought a tear to me eye. Here is one of my favourite quotes I came across in a movie.Good for when the going gets tough.

    ‘adversity is the stone on which I sharpen my blade’
    go forth warrior woman.


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