Diary of a New Life: Day #2

I woke up this morning at 4 am, and once again nearly had a panic attack, caused by those first few sickening seconds…you know the feeling…when you realise that the horrible thing you dreamed about has burst out of your nightmares and joined you in reality like an unwelcome, demonic visitor.

So many questions, so much confusion.  How was it that I had known things were about to change, even though I didn't know in what way?

I had said to Karl of The Dialogue Project only recently, that the interview I recently did was not the END of my story and that my life may change once more.

I just didn't know it would change so soon, so dramatically, and at least what seems to me now, so tragically.

This weekend is the family ice-hockey team weekend in Leukerbad.  I wrote about this annual trip before, and described how it was one of my favourite things that we do here in Switzerland.

Only, of course, this year it is cancelled.

Or so I thought.

Last night, when he and I were talking, it came up in conversation.

He is still going.  He thinks it will be good for him.  Good for him.

What is good for us right now?

Is it good for us that in the next couple of days I will be taking our 2 children and 3 suitcases, containing the most important necessities of our now-downsized life, and walking out of our apartment, our home, never to see it again?

…That today, whilst he is at working carrying on as normal, I have had to discuss with the kids which toys are the only ones they will be able to fit into their suitcases?

…That in a couple of days we will have to travel along our beautiful lake for the last time, away from Villeneuve, away from where I had placed my heart and soul, where I had started a new, fun and exciting life for my children, and we have to say goodbye?

…That when I arrive in England I must immediately go to the Housing Department and declare myself "homeless, penniless and vulnerable" and beg for a roof over my head?

I understand that it must be done, so I will carry on looking forward, trying to see a way through this situation.  A situation where once again, I am left with a choice without choice.

I know what I have to do.

I have to leave this life behind.

I have to continue to defend the father of my children to others that see him as a bastard.  I have already had to do it and I know I will do it again.  Why?  Because he is their father, they love him and they need him in their life, even though their lives are changing beyond recognition.  They still need to see him as the wonderful father he has been.  I need to take my ego out of this situation, however hurt I feel.

And whilst I travel alongside "my lake", crying for what seems to have been snatched away from me in a heartbeat, an ice hockey player, the man I am practising "not to love", will be practising his moves lightly and swiftly, skimming across the ice, carving circular lines in the ice with this skates, celebrating his new-found freedom.

He may as well be carving directly into my heart.

9 thoughts on “Diary of a New Life: Day #2

  1. Jane,
    I don’t quite know what to say that probably hasn’t already been said to you, but I sincerely hope that there’s light at the end of the tunnel, and quickly, for you and your kids.
    All the best,

  2. I’m sure you have already done this, there will be child support involved? Again, I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. It really, really sucks.

      1. I just worry that you’ll end up being the sole financial provider, that is not right. Being financially responsible for two small children is not fair to them or you.


      2. Whatever his reasons for ending the relationship in this way, Jason will help to provide for his kids. But as we are both going through bankruptcy, there is no money to spare for relocating me right now, which is why I am relying on the generosity of my friends. He WILL look after his kids, at least in a financial sense. I will make sure of it. x

      3. Good to know. I don’t want to sound harsh or judgmental I just want you and the kids to be taken care of.

  3. Be thankful that he is not broadcasting his life and how he has so swiftly moved on after walking out on 2 children (1 an infant with disabilities) on the internet while others rake you over the coals without even knowing the whole story. sad, but true. karma has an odd way of teaching all of us a lesson..perhaps our perspective changes when the shoe is on the other foot? again, my empathy to you, Jane.

    1. I understand where you are coming from. Please understand, however, that this is not new to me. Having been through a broken marriage before (and although I ended it, my husband had ignored me in many ways for years), I do know about all the judgement, trust me. I am thankful for these things: that I have my health and that my children are healthy. I am thankful that although I am broken hearted, I have the strength to get through this and I will provide a new happy start for my children, despite everything. I am writing about it to heal and to keep a creative spark inside me burning. After losing my identity after my marriage break-up, I am determined not to let that happen again. xx

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