Diary of a New Life: Day #1

I have decided that I will write blog posts about what I am going through right now.  Writing is my outlet and I need to do it.  I will not tweet about it, because Twitter is an open forum.  I will include links from my Facebook fan page and just tweet the links.  People can read or they can look away.  This blog is mine and it feels now that, apart from my kids, it is all I have left.

I woke up from a nightmare this morning.  Except that when I "came to" I just couldn't get rid of the tight, sick feeling in my stomach and my heart was racing.  My head continued to be a haven for black, almost suicidal, thoughts.

"My Jason", my beautiful supportive man, seems to have been replaced by someone else.  I lay next to him last night in bed, while he snored gently.  I was careful not to touch him, careful only to occupy my side of the bed.  It feels like I am no longer allowed to touch him, as if I am now polluted in some way.

I cannot even refer to him as "Jason" anymore, only "him", as it hurts so much to say his name.

"I don't love you.  I just want to be single.  I've been unhappy for ages.  I don't want you in my life anymore."

My foundations have been ripped out right out from under me.  I am floating in a surreal world today, kind of in a state of confusion and disbelief.  I haven't eaten in nearly 48 hours as even to chew and swallow seems an impossible task.  I am shaking and my legs are like jelly.

But even through blurred vision and with shaking hands I must be practical.  I now am in protection mode, and I am trying to find a new life for me and my kids.  They are my priority.  I cannot fall apart.  I cannot listen to music, as I will be ripped to shreds.  I cannot walk beside the lake that I have loved so much, beside that water that I felt had healed me of my past, without feeling that I will simply fade into nothing and my heart will stop beating, such is the pain.

So I am making calls.  I'm designing a new life.

The worst part of today so far was when I picked up Skye from crèche.  She looked tired when I went to collect her (she knows something is wrong after he sat her down and told her the truth last night).

She got upset because she wanted to take home a painting she had made.  I asked the crèche assistant if we could take the painting, but she replied, "No Skye, because the painting is for the party we are having in two weeks' time.  You can take the painting home after the party, but for now it's going to decorate the walls."

Skye cried.  And then so did I.

How do you begin to explain to a three year old that she won't be at that party?  That all the things that she loves about this place, crèche, school, the lake, the playground, her little friends….that they are all gone?  That it's over?

I have to find a way for the three of us on my own.

I have to pick up the pieces.

This is Day 1.

15 thoughts on “Diary of a New Life: Day #1

  1. I wish you were closer so I could hug you, though I suspect you’d shrug me off because you feel you need to be strong. I understand that; just know that my thoughts are with you and my online ear is yours for the asking xxx

  2. This is both sad to learn of and a realistic action to take, please lean on your friends for moral support. ((hugs)) xx

  3. So saddened by this. Although I think of you as being strong, even the strongest of us sometimes need support. What can I do to help?

  4. it really sucks when a father and partner walks out on you and your two children because he wants to “be single” and live it up again. as a woman and a fellow mother, despite everything, I do feel for you, Jane. it’s hell but it does get better. your partner will realize, one day, that he is the one that lost out.

  5. Jane, no words. I can bake you one of those loaves of bread we shared! Anything. There is a lightly coloured path near, I know!
    Sending you, Skye and Noah love. xx

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