The Chaos Theory

Those of you familiar with my blog will know of my career as a "Swiss Concubine", being an unmarried mother out here.  It is a position I hold dear within our community.  There aren't many people who get the kind of appreciating looks I do in the Swiss Co-op, stressed to the nines with my screaming, "perma-mucky" children.  I don't wish to sound cynical here, but Swiss kids don't get dirty; their clothes are white and their partings are geodesic. Nor do they have tantrums.  In fact, I have a theory that they are beaten to a messy, helpless pulp behind closed doors, hence they DAREN'T utter a WORD when out with their smiling, designer parents, who in turn have just only wiped the child-blood from their hands with Pampers Sensitive Wipes.

It is often difficult to fit in here.  The Swiss are not known for the warmest of welcomes.  But somehow, I feel their land has welcomed me.  As I am the sort of person that feels connections with landscapes and nature, this somehow seems more important.  I have been living in Villeneuve for a year now and coming here has been the best move I have ever made in my life.  The environment suits me, the mountains, the water; I feel the most at peace I have ever been.  My beautiful Lac Leman (I still call it mine, despite sharing it with several hundreds of thousands of others), seems to have cleansed me of chaos.

That said, however, lately I have had too many familiar, frantic thoughts running around in my head.  They've actually been screaming at me, hence I haven't slept well in weeks and I am feeling anxious.

Even though I am at peace, the fact remains that I am still picking up the pieces from other disastrous moves and ill-thought-out decisions from my past life.  Writing a post called Shade a year ago marked the start of the bankruptcy, at least in terms of making the decision that this was the way ahead.  A year later, I am still ploughing through the whole process, with the ease of a two-toed sloth through particularly heavy treacle.

I am also writing some particularly emotional pieces at the moment, one of which is about when I felt close to suicide.  It is a piece that has been in my head for months, and I have been trying to find it in myself to write about it.  I suspected that by writing it, I would have to revisit some pretty dark times in my life and that this would obviously be painful.  I was right.

But since a year has passed, I feel in a way I've somehow come full circle, as I sit here again on the terrace with my children and remember writing it.  Their crisps are no longer shaped like Teddy Bears, they prefer tortilla chips these days.  

Although we are essentially not that much further out of the financial hole we were in back then, in so many ways our entire landscape has changed and is lighter.  I am getting my life back.  I am beginning to taste freedom again.

The money "problem" will sort itself out.  I normally don't attach any other importance to it, other than it's ability to keep me awake at night.  For that reason alone, I would like to see the end of it sometime in the not-too-distant future.  In every other aspect of my life I am lucky, or perhaps I have made my own luck, who knows?

But removing the slant of healthy positivity, I cannot escape the fact that things have been chaotic lately and I have been jittery.  Restless.  Uneasy.  I have a theory about this also.  During times in my life when I have felt like this, there has been a common feeling or thread:

I feel something is about to change.

On a deeper level, I am convinced that the earth is shifting beneath my feet.  Change is coming.  I guess it is now up to me whether the changes that occur are ones that I make happen, or ones that I sit and wait for…

13 thoughts on “The Chaos Theory

  1. Thanks Jane – beautiful description of all things Swiss. Looking forward to breathing it in a bit. And as for change coming… ain’t it always? Billy Bragg’s Between The Wars is a great reminder that we’re never really ‘in’ a static place… it’s a big old journey I suppose. Here’s to the next step. K

  2. Honest, reflexive, and very thoughtful. It is the type of insight that many might make in to others but rarely about themselves, which in itself simply enhances the already high quality.

    It is difficult to write about oneself whilst maintaining any form of equilibrium, but it is done perfectly here maintaining poise and a natural wit.

  3. Nice stuff there Jane! You have a way with words that I just, er, um, thingy. I love the treacle metaphor. You rock as a writer!

  4. If you feel that change is coming, then welcome it in. It’s a good thing.

    I always think it’s better to work towards change happening, rather than sitting around waiting for it to happen. So you can work towards putting opportunities for change in place, which is what you have been doing by building up your online presence, going back to running and getting back into writing. You might not realise it but you’ve been preparing for change and to move onto the next stage for a while now. You’ll be ready and prepared for it when it comes.

    Best of luck Jane!

  5. I love your writing Jane. It always leaves me wanting to know more. It’s like a little trail of chocolate kisses leading up to some mysterious but unattainable point, just out of reach.
    Maybe that’s not quite what I meant. But I do love your pieces.

  6. Thanks for writing this Jane. Despite all the chaos around me and what at times seem overwhelming problems, I feel that “change is coming.” Deep within I have to feel hopeful since sometimes that is all I have and what keeps me sane!

  7. I really loved this piece Janey. I have missed reading about your life in La Suisse. It’s lovely to read that you are still so happy there despite the financial situation ( believe me I know what that’s like). A heartfelt piece of writing but it also made me smile!! Miss you xx

  8. Jane, beautiful reading. Thank you for both your honesty & your wit! I have added myself to your list of biggest fans.

  9. It takes a lot of courage to tackle the kind of problems that can make you want to bury your head in the sand.
    Being able to write about it too, and so eloquently, is really rather marvellous.
    Kudos, girlie

  10. Sacre Bleu! As always witt mixed with that element of charm and deeper reflection is an intoxicating mixture Janey-I look forward to hearing how positive that change is. Heraclitus the pre-socratic philosopher when asked what life is said. “life is flux there is nothing so permanent as change” enjoy the journey xx

  11. As always, a great piece of writing. I enjoy reading about your experiences en Suisse and love that we met my friend!

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